The Eternal Wasteland Known as “On Hold”

I’ve decided that government agencies and businesses deliberately pick the music you hear while you are waiting on hold to make your brain melt. It is either some sort of sleep inducing fake classical music, or chirpy, perky “we’re working hard, honest!” tunes. Brain… sliding… out… of… nostrils.

Even worse, they pepper the music with messages about every sixty seconds. Sometimes the same things in the same order, over and over, or even worse, one single phrase. I find myself muttering, “I already get my notices by email, and I don’t give a flying expletive about going green.” But no matter what they say, the real cruelty is that it perks your brain up for just a millisecond. “Is this it? Does that pause mean someone is picking up the line. Nope. Same stupid message.” It gives you hope only to dash it, again and again.

You find yourself pondering what you should do. Keep hanging on? What if there is something wrong with the connection and they don’t know you’re waiting? Should you hang up to get a fresh try? But you’ve waited so very long. You look at your phone’s timer. Okay, that’s too long. They have a callback service they would have offered by now if things weren’t wonky. Hang up. Dial again. Press buttons. Get someone in five minutes and try not to start swearing.

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